Life Talk 15

Assalamu'laikum~

Well, despite the wavy line beside my welcome, I'm not really as jolly as I most probably sound. In another note, alhamdulillah, the feelings that floated in myself a mere 4 hours ago has started to vanquish but I felt like I still need to write it here. Despite what many people may say, I believe this is a very therapeutic way for me, whom so often keeps everything inside. I don't really like sharing my problems with many people and though I've told the teachers about my family problems, only Saki, Jellyfish and some other creation of Allah SWT that has managed to find this place really know the problems deep inside me.

Even though it's been a while, the feeling that I've thought I managed to rid off came back and it was dreadful. For the first time in months, a sense of worthlessness hung over me. I even thought about suicide again, though I've repented and hope that Allah SWT The Merciful would forgive me of these selfish thoughts.

I have no idea what made them resurfaced but it probably went hand in hand with the way older sister kept getting mad at me and my younger sister went out with her today. I'm not saying that it was fully my fault with in a way it triggered my feeling and memories of how useless and worthless I used to feel about myself.

Insya-Allah, in the days to come, I hope I would never again face with these feelings. Temptation and regret is enough for me but then again, who knows what Allah SWT has in store for me so that I can increase my love to him.

So Bismilla hirrahman ni rahim, please give your servant the ability to go through each test you put her through. Ameeen....


Wa'laikum salam.

Life Talk 14

Assalamu'laikum~

It's been approximately 10 days since I last wrote here. Well, at least it's better than my previous one month and a half break. Honestly, I think I'm kinda getting used to the whole blog idea here but it still might take me a while before I can truly say whatever is on my mind freely here without feeling much constraints... For now, I know that only Saki and Jellyfish have this link but only Allah SWT knows how many people have already found this place.

A lot has been going through my mind these last few days, so much that I feel like writing here is such a drag..

For one, I've been getting my weird dreams again lately, the most recent was this morning. And they weren't just weird, they has a sense of deja vu inside them as well. It's like, I has the dream a while back and somehow, in my dream, it remembered that I had the same dream in real life. Confusing, right? Believe me, I'm trying to figure what I'm writing right now.

Anyway, I'm actually sidetracking from what I really wanted to write.

A few weeks back, on the day of the Eid Adha Celebration, as usual, we Muslims visit our relatives to chat, eat and so forth. While talking to one of my aunt, she asked me about my dream. Yes, a dream so distant that honestly, I forgot about it until she talked to me. She might not have known but the question she asked really made a huge impact on me that day and it continuously got me thinking.

Since I was young, I've been interested in the animation world, specifically drawing. Even now I'm not really sure what influenced me or what kept me drawing but at one point in my life, I felt truly happy with what I have, even though it wasn't much. Back then, around 3-4 years back, I barely have the manga collection that I have now and could only dream of having a single from Arashi (I liked them then) but in a way, I was grateful and satisfied with my life because I would always turn to drawing when something went wrong. Sure there were many setbacks like the fact that I didn't draw that nice brought nasty comments and the fact that my mother wanted me to stop drawing because she thinks it's going to distract me. She's thinking for my future and as her daughter, I'm not mad at her for that.

To continue, the year when I felt drawing to the fullest was when I was in Form 2. My drawing were still improving then but even though they didn't look half as nice as they are now, the fact is that I managed to fill in 2 files, a few sketchbooks and even made a manga didn't change that. I loved drawing. I had a passion for it even though my future looked bleak with it. I didn't care about what happened afters. I just wanted to draw.

That would probably be one of the happiest times in my life. As I said, my future in drawing or as a graphic designer for that matter, looked bleak and it wasn't long before it fell into a downward spiral which started not long after I entered Form 4. Even though we had electives, what I took wasn't what I wanted, but the decision wasn't in my hands. Taking the arts elective wasn't even in my option and even though we could take one extra subject for our SPM, Art was never a choice. I didn't know it but by then, drawing became sort of a duty. I would feel the rush of drawing once in a while, especially at the start of the year but they slowly started to kindle as I got busier trying to catch up with Add Maths, Physics and especially Biology.

Now, since my aunt asked me about whether I wanted to take a degree in arts, I had been thinking a lot. I drew some since she asked me but the flame only lasted for a while and in a mere short two weeks, they were everything but aflame. It was then when I realised that my passion for drawing has been the flame, or at least, the candle holding the flame. Drawing was a hobby of mine when I was younger but as life and reality caught up, it soon became a duty whereas I would have to finish a specific number of drawing per week or finish a sketchbook by the end of the year. Soon after, drawing became something I did whenever I felt like it but unlike before, those feeling are rare now and I don't know what I can do to resurface them again.

I liked drawing then, and I still like drawing now. But something in me disappeared and since then, I couldn't pick up a pencil and draw freely like I used to. I don't know what went missing and I'm not sure whether if that was a sign for me to continue drawing or not. At this point, only Allah SWT knows what's best for me, even though it might not be what I like.

Well, I want to write more but it'll be a long post by then so I'll just stop for now.

May you have a good day and wa'alaikumsalam.

Life Talk 13

Assalamu'alaikum~

Hey, look at that, it's number 13! Proves just how lazy I am since I haven't wrote anything here in over a week.

Anyway, will keep this one short because my sister's borrowing my laptop at the moment and I don't want her finding out that I keep a blog, since she'll probably read my entries later... =w=

Well, these few weeks I've been really...anxious... I don't really know because of what or why but I can't seem to calm down, not even now. It's tiring and I'm scared that a slight shock will cause my heart to go on overdrive since apparently my heart isn't ready for anything.

I really don't know why I feel this way, or how I managed to get anxiety issues in the first place but it is really worrying me. I can barely do anything now without feeling the slight pain in my chest.

I'm really worried.

And I long for the days when my heart used to beat normally without feeling afraid or anxious. I hope I can find my answer soon, insya-Allah.

For now, wassalam.

Will update about what happened this past month later....if I feel like it anyway. XP

Life Talk 12

As'salam.

If it were a few hours ago, I wouldn't have started this post with "As'salam" but with something else instead...

Something like this...

-

You know how there's one things that people always feared that would happened to them? Fears that would later lead to 'issues'? Well, one of my biggest fears happened less than 12 hours ago...

I was left behind.

No, not by my family but by the group of girls that are my classmates in UIA. Well, long story short, we were supposed to go visit our Physics lecturer today around before Asr prayers. Since I don't really have any close friends there or keep close contact with them, I messaged a few of them to remind me when they were going.

Pa-ta-pa-ta

The Asr prayer time was already in and I heard no news from them. So when I messaged one of them, another one of my closer-but-no-so-really friend called me and said the group from my dorm had already left earlier and the group from the other girls dorm were still at Midvalley. They said they'd wait for me to ride the bus and meet them there but here's the other news- I don't know how to ride a bus. I keep asking people to teach me but they said that since I was going in a group, there wouldn't be much problem. Big surprise huh?

So what happened afters? They went off without me and I bawled in my room. Alone. Loud.

Needless to say, I called my mom, cried to her and despite the fact that I didn't want to go back home this week, I did.

I'm not mad. Really, I'm not since it's as much as my fault as it is theirs but I'm just really, really sad. Since that happened, I kept thinking,

'Ohana means family. Family means that no one gets left behind...or forgotten...'

So much for the name G41 Family.

Again, I'm not mad. Things happen out of our plans as everything is in the hands of Allah SWT but I'm still sad.

So now you know... I have abandonment issue.

Wa'salam and good night. ^^

Life Talk 11

As-salam.

It's been a while since I posted here. Almost a whole month. Am gonna keep this brief. I'm at my friend's room and they don't know that I have a blog. XP

Anyway, so many things have happened and will about to. First things first, Ramadhan has passed (TT^TT) and Syawal has entered. Well...it's almost to the end of Syawal already. I'm in the process of finishing my puasa enam so wish me luck that I would be able to finish it before the end of Syawal. ^^

Another thing, finals are next week. O-O
And despite the fact that my Physics book is (kinda) open, here I am writing this. I should start becoming serious in my studies. ><

Next... I found some disturbing news about VERSAILLES. Seriously, it was so disturbing that I deleted all of their songs from my MP4 and replaced them with DaizyStripper's songs, which now is my current favourite new band... I won't confirm my suspicions here yet since Jellyfish and I promised to look into it after our exams but I can tell it won't be pretty. It might be bad news now but who knows, maybe it'll be good news for my afterlife. For now, only Allah SWT knows...

I saw bJd today, for the first time in a couple of weeks. I guess there was a reason why I haven't been to the Pasar Malam these few weeks since that is the place in which I will absolutely, for sure! see him. And since I did, I'm not sure whether I should be happy or not that I looked away. And I might be denying myself when I say I no longer like him because for a while then, my heart skipped a beat. It wasn't as bad as before, but it was there. For now, all I can pray for to you, Allah SWT, is the strength for me to diminish my feelings for him and strengthen my love for you, Insya-Allah...

One other thing...I've started taking part in my class's activities for now. Okay, mainly is because I wanna have a decent anime conversation with the guys. I'm kinda frustrated because it's been a while since I talked anime or J-rock for that matter with anyone. Well, minus Pink-holic yesterday. We had a short talk about animes but since I'm a yaoi/shounen type of person...our conversation is short lived.

Anyway, I WANNA TALK ANIME WITH SOMEONE!

THERE!

Well, good night for now. I'm gonna drown myself in DaizyStripper songs as well as Hitotsu Dake.

Ja ne~

Wa'alaikum salam. ^^

Life Talk 10

Just a few minutes before I performed my Asar prayers around 10 minutes ago, I was crying.

I'm still crying now...

I don't know why I feel so sad... I just do...

Is it because I'm just to tired? Or is it because all the blame that I've placed onto myself is piling up now.

I just don't know!

Life Talk 9

Assalam'alaikum~

It's 2 am here and I'm not asleep yet. XP

In 3 hours, more or less, I'm going to wake up for sahur and stay up after subuh prayers because~ guess where I'm going afters?

It'll only be my second time going there but I can't wait to see the animals~ Yup, you guessed right, I'm going to the National Zoo~!!!! Along with the rest of Environmental and Nature Club (ENC) members and board of committees~

Gosh, I can't wait! Insya-Allah we'll reach there safely and no, just in case if you're wondering, I'm not going there for fun~ Well...kinda, XP but we're mostly going there for charity~ ENC's collaborating with ARC, PJ and ARC, Nilai with this so it's gonna be one big charity event from us to the kawaiii~~~ animals in the Zoo~!

Ahhh~~~ Remembering them, I really can't wait to go now~ X3

Oh, another big news~ I'm not going back home this weekend! Shocker right!? When I told this to my friend, they made the 'O.O' face and said,

"_____(insert my name)_____, is not going back? That's huge news!"

Kinda, since this is my first time staying the weekend here in UIA. So far so good since I went back on Saturday last weekend so it didn't really feel like there's much difference. Insya-Allah I'll get by this weekend safely fulling my deeds to Allah SWT.

So, what happened this week? Oh yeah, I felt lonely. XP

I mean, what a feeling to have in this Holy month, when you're supposed to feel closer to Allah SWT and yet I'm feeling lonely. Well, it's just that, every time I go to and from class, I'm walking alone. I buy my food for break fast alone, I go to the kiosk and the k-shop alone so basically, I get jealous when I see people walking in pairs or in groups.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm so obnoxious that I don't have any friends, I do! It's just that, when I see them together...I just don't feel like cutting in with them. I'll feel really out of place and with that, I spend my days doing things alone...not that it's that bad.

Well, the day in which I felt my loneliness was at the max, I went to my friend's room and there, I read a synopsis of the book she's reading. At the end of the synopsis, there was a sentence that wrote;

"And may you find happiness even when you're alone..."

Or something along those lines. It was Wednesday then. Don't really remember that much now. XP

Anyway, the book got me thinking...(it was an Islamic travel log, just in case if you wanted to know, ;D ) and at the end of it, I felt grateful that I was blessed with such close friends, even if they are far from me.

Yes, both Saki and Jellyfish. Even though I can only see them once in a few months, that doesn't change the fact that we're best friends and they're the ones that know me for only me and everything about me.

So, Alhamdulillah because I've been given such friends that stay near in my heart, even if our physiques are far apart. XD XD

What else.... Well, I think I'm going to start doing weekly updates, but then again, so many things happened this week and yet I've only told you so little about it. Maybe I'll write it some other day and maybe it will never be written here at all, but one things for sure, the memories will stay with me, Insya-Allah.

Oh yeah, remember last time when I said I had a crush on a guy on campus, nicknamed bJd? Well, despite that it's only been...12 days, my feelings for him has been buried. Maybe it was just self-denial at first, and maybe it still is...but one things for sure, Alhamdulillah, my heart didn't jump or beat like it did when I saw him on Thursday, after my Tilawah class despite the fact that I haven't had as much as a glance of him during these 3 weeks.

Writing about this, my heart feels heavy now but I'm not sure whether it's heavy for him or is it heavy for the one I should love the most in the whole wide world, Allah SWT.

For that, only He knows...Subhanallah.

Hmm...I guess that's all for tonight. It's gonna be 3 am soon and as such, I'm still not asleep! I'll probably catch some nap-eye in the bus on the way to the Zoo... XP

Mata ato de!

Life Talk 8

Domo~ Back again. No idea why I suddenly feel like blogging a lot these days. Probably because I have nothing much to do...which is so wrong! I know I should be studying but something happened last week. Something absolutely positively embarrassing that I wished I could've killed him then and there!

No, it wasn't about bJd though I had a feeling that it's gonna end up that way sooner or later when he finds out that I like him....

Oh yeah, who's bJd? I seemed to have forgotten to mention him~ Ahahahahaha......*hits self*

Anyway, bJd is my recent crush here in UIA. Well, he may know that I like him but he may not because he's been smiling and waving at me whenever we see each other, though not since last week since I don't know, maybe it's because it's Ramadhan so he's trying to cut down on his sins, which reminds me that I should do the same.

Anyway, I went back from UIA last Friday quite early since there were no meetings or classes in the afternoon or evening (Weeeee~~~~) and I stopped by my high school~ It was fun~

Aside from that, a scandal happened between my juniors, one thing led to another and before I knew it, Akuma (my previous crush in high school) said, in front of the evening librarian teacher, my younger sister with a few other of my juniors that he couldn't accept me because he was scared that it would break his heart again.

Hello!? Accept me!? Who the hell said that I ever wanted to couple with you!? I just like you, get it!?

Argh, I swear I would've murdered him right then and there if, again, it wasn't for Ramadhan.

I felt embarrassed then...now....I mad and embarrassed.

Haa.....that left my chest.

Anyway, the fact that Akuma couldn't accept me (so he says) was because he had his heart broken and that got me thinking, and, despite the fact that I've never talked to bJd (only once), I've read his blog and it appears that he also was heartbroken a few months ago...

Basically, I'll never get the guy I like, not that I really mind if I get them or not. ^^;;

Now all that's left for me to do is finish my Arabic homework and pray that when I find love, it will be the right one for me.

Insya-Allah.

Life Talk 7

Well...I was feeling more depressed yesterday but the internet failed me and sadly I was doomed to keep it inside myself once again...

So...should I type it out? Shouldn't I?

Maybe I should... No one might be reading it but at least in a way I'll lessen the self angst inside myself.

Well then, to start.

Remember how people often say that you shouldn't complain of your misfortunes, because someone might be in a worst condition than you are. But does that mean that just because what you're going through isn't bad enough, it's not worth talking about it?

I'm grateful to Allah S.W.T that my problems are just so little but it kinda saddens me. Maybe it's nobody's fault but mine since I when I'm said or depressed about something, I like to think about all the other sad things in my life...and well...I cry... And every happy thing before that becomes sad...

I'm thinking too much, I know, but I can't help myself. It's just me.

So now, I pray to god, please help me resolve these feelings inside of me.

Amiin....

Life Talk 6

It's been approximately 4 months since I've posted here!

Not exactly something to be excited about though... ^^;;

I mean, I've had tons of things on my mind and so much that I've been planning to write like say, my SPM results, the list of J-rock items that I've bought these past few months and my life at university which I have safely started a month ago...

Yeah... I'm pretty much a boring and lazy blogger. ^^;;

So...where to start...

Hmm...well...lets just say that the collection of items that I'm proud of are steadily growing and boy, am I happy. XD XD

My yaoi manga collection has really grown. I mean, it's only July and I've already reached my quota for the year, which is 12 mangas...literally meaning one per month which I apparently overshot by as fast as 5 month...yeah... I'm one heavy buyer.

Another rapidly growing collection. Yesh, you've guessed it! My J-rock collection! As much money as I've spent for them, it still makes it worth it. Since March all the way up to this month, I've bought a total of 7 singles and albums which also means the end of my J-rock quota for the year...and I haven't even bought a single DVD yet! I'm not entirely sure whether to feel sad or okay about that since the 7 things that I've bought aren't really that pathetic to be depressed for. I mean, they are absolutely AMAZING!

So, to sum it up, these are the 7 J-rock singles and albums that I've bought this these 4 months. ^^

March :- VERSAILLES - Philia

April :- Daisuke to Kuro no Injatachi - Shikkoku no Hikari

May :- VERSAILLES - Prince and Princess HIZAKI type (YESH!!! HIZAKI'S!!!) and Jubilee Limited Edition. X)

June :- VERSAILLES - Holy Grail (Deluxe Box Edition) I cried when I got this. It was just so beautiful... TT^TT

July :- Matenrou Opera - Helios Type A & B

Seeing the list you probably think that I'm filthy rich right? Well no! I'm scraping the end here by buying these but I just have to have them! Support your favourite artists! Well, alhamdullillah, during the time when I desperately needed the money (Holy Grail album!!!) my teacher at the school library offered me a job as the clerk and it was with that money that I've managed to buy Holy Grail as well as both types of Helios...though I can guarantee that my sister is gonna flip when she sees her credit card bill... (it must be over RM600... @.@)

So well... should I continue? I don't know.... My posts are mostly texts because basically, I don't know how to insert all those cool thingies that people put in their blogs... I mean... I think I'm just too lazy to learn... Ahaha.... and I'm too lazy to take pictures and post them...well...hopefully one of these days I'll find the strength to take pictures of my J-rock collection... ><

Well...I guess that's all for now? I'll post about my life at university later...as well as the worries as I have so that this blog will continue to serve it's purpose as a place where I will be able to express my feelings openly regardless of whether someone is reading it or not.

Ja, mata ato de! ^^

Life Talk 5

I found something similar between me, Ewon Jung from Totally Captivated and Masataka from Sakura Gari.

We're all afraid of love.

The thing is, they found theirs because their life revolves in mangas and manhwas... Me? I guess I'll be alone then...

I'm always wondering why I normally think like a seme. I like the idea of being a seme and somehow I think it suits my personality...sorta...

But I guess I can be an uke as well. Wait, I am an uke, being a girl and all.

What the hell am I ranting about...

Anyway, I figured if I were to be a seme, I'll probably be a lonely one. I'll spoil the ones I love, I'll accept whatever they present to me and yet I can't give my heart to them. I'll probably be the best and worst seme ever. I'll probably get dumped from almost every relationship I've been in...

If...I was an uke (which I am) I'll probably be...capricious... I'll do whatever I want, still spoil those I love and will probably give them anything (not literally) but same, I won't hand over my heart. It's mine and mine alone...

Selfish...I know...

But...It's a scary thought...to lose yourself like that... I can't imagine myself like that, ever.

And knowing how guys these days are worthless SOBs... I'm better off keeping it to myself.

Heh...I'm a seke. XP

**********
The tingles come more frequently now...

Yaoi Talk 2

Alright, this is just another one of those Ignore-Me-Posts just like the one before. I just need a place to upload this huge photo. Photobucket hates mehhhh!!!!

Yaoi Talk

I'm not sure what number it is and honestly, you can just ignore this post. I'm only posting here because it is literally my final attempt to get this freaking picture online.

Cosplay Talk 3

Weee~ Wassup people~! It's been approximately 1 month and 11 days since I last posted here. Well, I did warn earlier that I'll rarely post here so yeah, gave my word didn't I? =P

Alright, I don't really know where to start first so let's start with what happened since the last time I posted here.

I finally had my debut cosplay. Yes, finally! Not that I'm too happy about it though...
It was terrible. I looked absolutely horrible. I won't be overrating when I say I look like a ghost. I really do! I picked my foundation a colour too light and my GOD! I don't even want to think about it now. Well, safe to say, my very first cosplay absolutely FAILED!!! See for yourself....

It's Shiki from Togainu no Chi! The Military version. Couldn't cosplay with Fuyu this year because she still had her last paper of SPM to sit for and so I went there with my forth sister. Saki gave me a surprise visit there~ I honestly thought that she couldn't come but there she was, suddenly in the middle of the day calling me asking me where I was. I had a picture taken of Shiki trying to amputate her out of anger but that's in the house computer. (I am using a laptop now so pictures of me are scarce.)
Anyhow, it was a great surprise~ Oh, and Jellyfish managed to persuade her mother (and whole family) to spend the day at Times Square. She walked around with her brother and I SWEAR they had more fun there then me and my sister did! Thanks to my useless platform boots... Okay, my bad for not knowing that you're suppose to send the boots first to a cobbler before wearing it for an event... >.< Okay, so after that, our Togainu no Chi photoshoot had to be canceled because there was just too much problems... so it'll be delayed till the end of this year, probably. Even though I had planned to sell my costume after ComicFiesta, since my cosplay was terrible last year, not to mention Fuyu never had a chance to wear her's, I've decided to keep it until the both of us are able to cosplay together at the same event.

Well, I do owe her that much.

So, back to my normal cosplay problems, well, after Shiki I had feeling that I didn't want to cosplay anymore. Like I mention, cosplaying is probably the worst phase that I've been through so far. But, you reap what you sow and in the end, I have to cosplay another character this year, which is Kaito from Vocaloid. Yeah, Vocaloid... The most cosplayed thing ever in the history of cosplays, I guess. No, I don't guess. I KNOW!

Anyway, it's Fate:Rebirth so I don't really have much to complain since I also like the costume but yeah, it's expensive... I guess that's my only complain. And since that, I'm thinking of doing other Kaito cosplay, as to safe the wig that I bought. So far now I'm interested in Pane Dhiria cosplay. It's a nice costume, and basically it covers most of everything.

Here~ ^^
Nice right~ Can't really deny that. So I'll probably sew this costume instead of commissioning it since I can't afford to lost more money.

Oh, speaking of sewing. I'm staying true to my word of doing a VERSAILLES cosplay~
Catch? I'll be wearing a tudung! Yes! I will cosplay HIZAKI and TERU wearing a tudung and none of you cosplayers can talk me out of it!

Wee~ I'll probably sew most of my VERSAILLES costumes since like I said, can't really afford to lose more money now.

Well, I guess that's all for today. I have a lot more to write but I'll save that for tomorrow. ^^

Ja, mata ne~~~