Life Talk 14

Assalamu'laikum~

It's been approximately 10 days since I last wrote here. Well, at least it's better than my previous one month and a half break. Honestly, I think I'm kinda getting used to the whole blog idea here but it still might take me a while before I can truly say whatever is on my mind freely here without feeling much constraints... For now, I know that only Saki and Jellyfish have this link but only Allah SWT knows how many people have already found this place.

A lot has been going through my mind these last few days, so much that I feel like writing here is such a drag..

For one, I've been getting my weird dreams again lately, the most recent was this morning. And they weren't just weird, they has a sense of deja vu inside them as well. It's like, I has the dream a while back and somehow, in my dream, it remembered that I had the same dream in real life. Confusing, right? Believe me, I'm trying to figure what I'm writing right now.

Anyway, I'm actually sidetracking from what I really wanted to write.

A few weeks back, on the day of the Eid Adha Celebration, as usual, we Muslims visit our relatives to chat, eat and so forth. While talking to one of my aunt, she asked me about my dream. Yes, a dream so distant that honestly, I forgot about it until she talked to me. She might not have known but the question she asked really made a huge impact on me that day and it continuously got me thinking.

Since I was young, I've been interested in the animation world, specifically drawing. Even now I'm not really sure what influenced me or what kept me drawing but at one point in my life, I felt truly happy with what I have, even though it wasn't much. Back then, around 3-4 years back, I barely have the manga collection that I have now and could only dream of having a single from Arashi (I liked them then) but in a way, I was grateful and satisfied with my life because I would always turn to drawing when something went wrong. Sure there were many setbacks like the fact that I didn't draw that nice brought nasty comments and the fact that my mother wanted me to stop drawing because she thinks it's going to distract me. She's thinking for my future and as her daughter, I'm not mad at her for that.

To continue, the year when I felt drawing to the fullest was when I was in Form 2. My drawing were still improving then but even though they didn't look half as nice as they are now, the fact is that I managed to fill in 2 files, a few sketchbooks and even made a manga didn't change that. I loved drawing. I had a passion for it even though my future looked bleak with it. I didn't care about what happened afters. I just wanted to draw.

That would probably be one of the happiest times in my life. As I said, my future in drawing or as a graphic designer for that matter, looked bleak and it wasn't long before it fell into a downward spiral which started not long after I entered Form 4. Even though we had electives, what I took wasn't what I wanted, but the decision wasn't in my hands. Taking the arts elective wasn't even in my option and even though we could take one extra subject for our SPM, Art was never a choice. I didn't know it but by then, drawing became sort of a duty. I would feel the rush of drawing once in a while, especially at the start of the year but they slowly started to kindle as I got busier trying to catch up with Add Maths, Physics and especially Biology.

Now, since my aunt asked me about whether I wanted to take a degree in arts, I had been thinking a lot. I drew some since she asked me but the flame only lasted for a while and in a mere short two weeks, they were everything but aflame. It was then when I realised that my passion for drawing has been the flame, or at least, the candle holding the flame. Drawing was a hobby of mine when I was younger but as life and reality caught up, it soon became a duty whereas I would have to finish a specific number of drawing per week or finish a sketchbook by the end of the year. Soon after, drawing became something I did whenever I felt like it but unlike before, those feeling are rare now and I don't know what I can do to resurface them again.

I liked drawing then, and I still like drawing now. But something in me disappeared and since then, I couldn't pick up a pencil and draw freely like I used to. I don't know what went missing and I'm not sure whether if that was a sign for me to continue drawing or not. At this point, only Allah SWT knows what's best for me, even though it might not be what I like.

Well, I want to write more but it'll be a long post by then so I'll just stop for now.

May you have a good day and wa'alaikumsalam.