Life Talk 15

Assalamu'laikum~

Well, despite the wavy line beside my welcome, I'm not really as jolly as I most probably sound. In another note, alhamdulillah, the feelings that floated in myself a mere 4 hours ago has started to vanquish but I felt like I still need to write it here. Despite what many people may say, I believe this is a very therapeutic way for me, whom so often keeps everything inside. I don't really like sharing my problems with many people and though I've told the teachers about my family problems, only Saki, Jellyfish and some other creation of Allah SWT that has managed to find this place really know the problems deep inside me.

Even though it's been a while, the feeling that I've thought I managed to rid off came back and it was dreadful. For the first time in months, a sense of worthlessness hung over me. I even thought about suicide again, though I've repented and hope that Allah SWT The Merciful would forgive me of these selfish thoughts.

I have no idea what made them resurfaced but it probably went hand in hand with the way older sister kept getting mad at me and my younger sister went out with her today. I'm not saying that it was fully my fault with in a way it triggered my feeling and memories of how useless and worthless I used to feel about myself.

Insya-Allah, in the days to come, I hope I would never again face with these feelings. Temptation and regret is enough for me but then again, who knows what Allah SWT has in store for me so that I can increase my love to him.

So Bismilla hirrahman ni rahim, please give your servant the ability to go through each test you put her through. Ameeen....


Wa'laikum salam.