Life Talk 16

Assalammu'laikum.

For some odd reason, I've decided to abandon my blog for almost three months... Okay, I didn't REALLY abandon it. I've thought about writing here countless of times. Heck, I've even written a mental diary about what I wanted to write here, but I guess that was the problem. By keeping everything inside my head (and heart), once again... I fell...

Fell, I wonder if that's the right word for what I'm feeling right now?

I think it'd make more sense if I said that once again, I fell into a realm of loneliness. It's annoying, I know, to hear me talk about how lonely I am over and over again but honestly, it didn't feel this bad last week or the weeks before. This week, I feel like I've literally hit rock bottom.

Maybe it started last week. Well, to put the long story short, I was late to class for about 10 minutes because I went for a chiropractic massage and not one person called me to find out why I was late. Okay, it might be petty for some people but for me a simple gesture like this would probably make me utterly grateful because maybe, even though just for a while, I felt like I had a friend I could turn to.

That was probably the turning point of it. The starting was the night before when we had our subject society's bureau meeting. Usually, our meetings would just consist our the president, vice president, secretary and the treasurer. I was comfortable with that as our relationship with each other was purely professional and no one was too close of a friend with another.

As luck would have had it, since a big festival is happening this weekend, we had a pretty big meeting last week. Probably because our bureau is pretty pathetic since we've never done a full meeting with all the other members, we're short on people for the committee. And as humans, we find those closest to us... Well, they did, not me. I was probably the only person there that didn't have any close friends that were present in the meeting. It was pretty obvious since after the meeting I left alone.

Even when I'm writing like this, I know that the only person that could be blamed would be me. I mean, despite everything that had happened in my childhood primary years, I choose to be an otaku myself and basically now I have to pay the price for it. I'm not sure whether it's an otaku thing or whether it's just me but somehow, one way or another, I've become fairly and introvert. I mean, I can talk to people, but like I said, it'll probably be mostly on a professional level.

I always thought that this was because I lack self-confidence but a few weeks ago, after a talk arranged by the university, I think, I believe, (basically it's just my theory) that I have plenty of self-confidence. I mean, if I hadn't, I probably wouldn't be able to talk in front of the mike properly. If I have self-confidence, what's making me timid is the fact that I don't have any confidence in my abilities and who I am as a person.

Does is make sense?

I have confidence, but at the same time I don't.

I guess I could work really well on a professional level but when it becomes personal I immediately shrink back into the background. I think it's just me. I'm not sure how I became that way, or why I did. It just happened. I'm surprised that it took until now to notice how completely unbalanced I am (like my back XP)

Some of my friends surprised me too. One of my friends, whom I could call a close friend based on my level, claims that I'm her best friend. I was shocked, of course since I've never thought of her of anything more than a close friend. For the few days after she told me that, I tried to become closer friends with her (in my level) but it just wouldn't work.

Maybe I'm just too picky or probably ungrateful but for me, if I can't be myself then I can't regard someone as anyone closer than a friend, or a close one. Don't get me wrong, even though I'm complaining here, it doesn't mean that I haven't tried making friends. I have. For almost this whole time since semester started this year, I've been moving from one group to another and from one friend to another. And even then, I can't find a place to fit in.

Like I said, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm too picky, ungrateful and tend to over think too much but for now, I just need a friend here so that at least I feel like I'm needed.

Selfish aren't I?

Jellyfish and Tsubaki (formerly Saki), what are you gonna do with this unbalanced, timid, selfish best friend of yours?

On second thought, don't answer that.

For now, Adieu and Wa'alaikummusallam.