Life Talk 4

Expect very VERY harsh words.

FUCK COSPLAY. I don't a DAMN about cosplay right now. Yeah, I know. After spending about 1K on my cosplay things, especially my wigs, this is what I say. Well, I was an idiot to believe that I could finally fit in by cosplaying. To think that cosplayers are such self-indulgent and narcissistic people were way out of mind.

To that person in question. No, not you Saki. ^^
I guess your real personality really shines through when you're mad huh?
Wait, your real personality already shone through so many times and yet, no matter how many times I told you, you never listen. Still a brat.

Haiz... I don't care if I can't cosplay anymore after I say this. I'm glad to say if someone actually banned me from cosplay because the trouble is too much for me. It was worst phase that I've ever been through. I was never this bad when I decided to continue to draw or when I decided to listen to J-rock.

Sure, being at the CF forum really taught me a lot of things, especially online shopping, and because of that my yaoi and J-rock collection is steadily growing. But MY GOD, those people. Only a few of them that I like and some just annoy the crap hell outta me.

I think that it's a given that I'm only able to handle 2-3 friends per year. I can't handle too much because I have a different face to almost everyone. So only 3 will have seen my true face. Only 3, or 2 knows how hard my situation really is.

The rest can just go die. I don't really mean that. Sorry.


Well, I guess I'm better off as a hikikomori. I mean it. It's better that I don't experience anything rather than always being disappointed than what I find. Feth the world, I don't care about it anymore.

Life Talk 3

Well, I'm finally back after what...? 3 months? Damn, am I lazy.

Before I start releasing my anger, which is at my head right now, lets just breeze through what happened these few months.

1. I went to take SPM.
2. I finished taking SPM.
3. I order VERSAILLES's Chateau de Versailles DVD and pre-ordered Matenrou Opera's Abyss. Expecting to get them before my birthday. Let's just say that its my birthday present from myself to myself.
4. I made a hell lot of decisions on cosplay. Heck, I wished I had never bothered to cosplay at all.
5. I finally made myself a Facebook.
6. I bought Jellyfish a VERSAILLES single. Her first one. ^^

Expect very harsh words in my next post.

Life Talk 2

To become me...
Or to become what people expect when they see me...

To become the same person that I've always been...
Or to become the way that I want 'ME' to be...

To choose which way to lead to my downfall...
To choose which way that makes me less insane...

Hmm...?
I wonder which way is that?

***

> This is not a poem... my thoughts just suddenly rhymed together... >.<''

Life Talk 1

Up until a moment ago...my hand really hurt. It tingled like mad...

and even though I know that it's puasa... I just can't help the thoughts running through my mind. It just really hurts when I think about it... and it makes me sad that I still have such thoughts in my head...

It just hurts being like this. And being around people.

I don't care what people tell me but I don't think I'll be able to like a guy properly... as in a guy in my time and not some J-rocker or a fantasy character that I created.

It just hurts to be with them...my friends...my seniors...everyone...

I'm not sure what made my heart harden like this but I think I can tell that it's not going to soften anymore... It'll be more harder as I grow I guess.

Most probably I'm just afraid of getting hurt... though I know that it's practically impossible, I just don't want to get hurt from someone I've loved, trusted and depended on.

So to HELL with GUYS!

I rather buy myself a BJD and cuddle with it all day.

Manga Talk & Cosplay Talk 2

Alright, before I get started with this week's post, I'm just going to say that I'm going to label my blog posts from now on, instead of giving it just random names.

Lolz. Anyway, from now on, it'll be :-

Manga Talk
Cosplay Talk
J-rock Talk
Graphics Talk
Life Talk

I'll put some extra names like Anime Talk IF there's something that interest me. For now, these four will be the main topics. ^^

Anyway, manga talk.

I know that I'm a bit late for saying this but oh well, it's now or never....

COUNT CAIN & GOD CHILD IS TOTALLY AWESOME!

Ahh~ it felt good to let it out. ^^

Anyway, I finally got around to reading the manga and who would have thought that it was THAT good. I mean, in my standards, it was totally in par with After School Nightmare, Totally Captivated and The Viewfinder Series.

These were that mangas that managed to etch themselves into my mind even after I've read them. They've been stuck so deep in my mind that I've dreams about them if I read the manga before I sleep.

After School Nightmare gave me the biggest shock in my dreams because before I woke up, I dreamnt that the Black Knight was going to kill me. *YIKES!*

And Count Cain (I'll call it this since it is the main name for both manga series) . I keep dreaming of Riff. Yes, the greatest butler of all, and the butler that can beat any butler master couple in the AMG world HANDS DOWN!.
(And I mean you, Ciel and Sebby. XP )

Cain and Riff have such a deep bond that it really makes people tremble with fear and joy at their relationship. It's just so... amazing and beautiful. No other words can make me describe their beautiful relationship. Read the manga then you'll really understand what I mean. ^^

Anyway, about the cosplay talk, well, after reading the manga, and without much consideration, plus without knowing when to do it, I've decided to TRY and cosplay three characters from Count Cain.

1. As you can guess RIFF

2. Jizabel (he also has a very sad story but I'm not gonna spoil that for you. ^^)

3. White Owl (can't find his picture... gomen... >.<'')


All Major Arcanas....

MWAHAHAHAHA! (I need to stop doing that >.>'')

Anyway, Ja ne for now! ^^

Siggies~

Well, since I have no idea what to post here today, and since I have thought about doing this for some time already, I'll just do it.

So then, behold! The CF Forum signatures that I have made using photoscape. ^^

All of these signatures are arranged according to the earliest till the latest.

Enjoy. ^^

My first ever sig at the CF forum, Matenrou Opera~

Matenrou Opera again~

Aicle Que Sera Sera Vers.

My first Versailles siggie!!!! Absolutely love this one~

2nd Versailles siggie~

JUKA

Teru

Aicle *The new image~*

PuraTori~ [Plastic Tree XD XD ]

SID

KAYA

KAMIJO~

Jasmine You~

A request from a CF forumer. Reita.

Another request from a forumer. The GazettE.

The most recent one, YUKI~

Yeah, well. So far these are the ones that I made. I know they are just basic things and aren't all that nice but I'm proud of what I made. ^^
You can take them if you want, but please, credit the maker as me... >.<''

Oh, I know some of you might be wondering. Wondering as in... where is HIZAKI's sig? Next week?

Nope. I'm not going to post a signature of him in the CF Forum.

Reason?

He's for my PRIVATE eyes only~

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Cosplay Talk...

Another long post...
Don't mind me~~~

Lolz, anyway... I FINALLY DID IT...

Yeah, finally... I got rid of Asato from my cosplay list. I felt so relieved when I finally did it. It feels like a weight literally dropped from my shoulder when I finally decided to give him up. I mean, the idea of dropping him had been a while in my mind but I never got the courage to really drop him.

Just so you know, Jellyfish gave me the final push. >.<'' Well, what started today's decision of dropping Asato came when I read a ex-cosplayer's blog this morning. I sort of take her for my cosplay idol (she doesn't know though... >.<'') because of the fact that she still has the guts to cosplay even though she wears a 'tudung' like I do. So yeah, I kind of respect her for that...

Anyway, she just dropped cosplaying this year and when I read how she's constantly trying to get away from cosplay and about the temptation is still there, I felt guilty... Really guilty.

I mean, here I am cosplaying some character which I barely had any attachment to while someone is trying hard to resist the temptation of cosplaying someone that she really like. It made me feel bad, and I realized that if I continued to do characters for the sake of cosplaying, then I would never understand the true term of cosplay.

Sure, my original plan for next year was HIZAKI and Asato, so basically, I do have a cosplay plan of a person that I like.

But then...next year is next year. And what's more, it's for CF next year.

It felt wrong.

Because if I were to stick with my current plan this year, which was Shiki (Togainu no Chi) for CF, and then Asato and Hizaki for CF next year, then, in the two years which I have started cosplaying, I would be spending around RM500 for two characters that I barely have any attachment to.

And that's what made it feel wrong.

It made me realize that cosplay is not about being lonely because you're cosplaying the only character from that one AnimeMangaGame, and about finding a partner for your cosplay character and because of that loneliness that would make you join a group of and AMG that you barely know.

Cosplay is not like that. Not at all...

I realized that cosplaying is doing something that you like, following a character that you like, and overcoming your differences and the characters so that you can become what exactly the character is like.

Being the only character won't make me lonely, and being in a cosplay group won't make me feel less lonely than what I already am.

I'm cosplaying a specific character, whether it's from an Anime, Manga or even a J-rocker is not because I'm doing it to fill my loneliness.

I'm doing it because I want to do it. And doing a character that I like would make me feel less guilty and unhappy because it's the character that I MYSELF CHOOSE, and not a character that people made me do.

I'm sorry for Fuyu if I ever made you feel like I am right now. I made you cosplay Akira with me, so I'm really really sorry if you ever regretted buying the costume just for the sake of pleasing me.

I'm really really really sorry.

It's That Day....

It's been a year... A year since our beloved Jasmine You's death.
Honestly... I don't really know what to say... It's just sad that I didn't manage to know him or Versailles when he was alive. It made me feel so sad after I found out about Versailles last year that Jasmine You died... It really is a sad news, even for a new fan like me.

When Serenade came out at the end of last year, I honestly thought that I could cry watching the PV. Amorphous me feel the same way. I've been singing to those two songs this whole day, mourning about his death when I know that there's nothing more that can be done.

As I've said... it's been a year...

Artwork~

Tada~
I'm back for the second post of the night. Not going to be long, I have tons of homework to pass up tomorrow... >.<'' Anyway, as my title names, I'm gonna post some of my Versailles drawings up... Though they seriously suck...

Anyway, on with the show!
(I am insane...aren't I?)

Lets start with my HIZAKI's. So far I've made 4 attempts to draw him and these are numbered according to which attempt that I've made.

Alright, I know... My arrangement is terrible. I'm still figuring out on how to operate this whole site... Anyway...I've got a TERU~ My first attempt. My second attempt became Jellyfish's first half Birthday present so it's with her now~

That's all for now!
Ja ja ja ne~~~

Tingle...

I've been telling my friends about the tingles that my hands experience when there's something... Instead of the one reason that I keep telling them, there's actually two reasons that can make my hand tingle like there's no end...

Reason 1 :-
When I read a good MANGA. It feels good when it tingles like that. It means that I like that manga so much that my body reacts for me. Mangas such as Fujimi Orchestra, Viewfinder Series, Solfege, and Totally Captivated (yeah, I know it's a manhwa but still!)
Anyway, that's the good reaction...

Reason 2 :-
Basically you can say it as a very bad reaction. My hands tingle because...
I feel like cutting myself...
Hey, no joke... I really feel like that. >.<''
But no worries. Don't go calling me to come over and inspect my body yet. I haven't really cut myself... Well...not yet anyway...
So I'm fine...for now...

Sometimes I do feel like cutting...but something will always stop me...

Probably my nii-san. ^^ He cares for me so it's reasonable why he wants to stop me....

Nii-san...

I'm Back~

Lolz, it's been like what, a month since I last posted here. I even almost forgot about this site till my friend reminded me this morning. She said that I needed a blog because I have too much daily angst. Well, she was right about the daily angst part.

Anyway, lets just briefly breeze through the life I've had this past month, starting from when school started after the holidays~

It was great, meeting my friends and scary because of our results paper...but...I DIDN'T fail ANY subjects this time! XD XD
Fine...my Add Maths was short of 1 mark from passing and my teacher gave me the extra mark to keep me from failing...but lets keep this a secret for now... =3

Anyway, a bomb on where Comic Fiesta will be held this year dropped just two weeks after that.

Oh, before that, apparently CdJapan had a clearance sale and I found D's Tightrope Type A single for RM35! Can you imagine that! But including shipping fees and service charges, it quickly became RM64. >.<
But my friend gave me Rm50 for my birthday so I quickly bought it! XD XD
RUIZA!!!!

Oh, about CF this year...of all places...it had to be... Times Square! THE HEART OF KL!
Urgh, that already blew most of my chances to go to CF this year... TT^TT

But I kept my hopes up to hope that I can at least go for one day...but... sad to say... I HAD to drop Ayanami since there's no confirming whether I go to CF on the 2nd day or not. Still going through with my Shiki plans since I have and obligation with Fuyu as her cosplay partner, to the group and to Saki since I persuaded her to cosplay with us as well. So yeah....

Anyway, since I dropped Ayanami... [I'm so sorry Aya-tan!!!!] to comfort myself, me and my Jellyfish friend went online shopping at PlayAsia! Yesh! We did! >w<

She only bought the Versailles Prince and Princess Yuki Limited Edition single (it was the only one in stock after 2 years!) and for me, using around half of my cosplay money that was supposed to be for Ayanami's to buy :-
-Versailles Prince and Princess Yuki Limited Edition single (yeah, we bought 2~)
-Versailles Ascendead Master Regular Single
-Matenrou Opera Murder Scope Limited Edition single (CD + DVD)

Yeah, I know. Just one word would be enough.

INSANE.

But hey, you can't stop a fan from loving something~ X3

And thus, now, my money is for Shiki's costume, my darling's cosplay and a Versailles photobook.

INSANE.
*hits self*

Urrh...it's really long, I know. Sorry, please bear with me. Just trying to catch up with my life here now... =w=

Anyways, my D single arrived this week! And what's more, I really got a RUIZA trading card! I'll treasure it for life! The PV was awesome when seen on a tv rather than on a laptop, lolz.
And, in a short 3 days after that... my Matenrou Opera single arrived!

TALK ABOUT CLOUD 9!

And I absolutely <3 <3 <3 it!!!
Plus, it had a deleted scene from the Anomie concert~ Their performance on Lawn Daisy~

Kyaa! Kyaa!

Alright, I'll stop for now. Hopefully I can update this later with more pictures~

Ja ne~~

Continuation~

Okay, here's a continuation of yesterday's post~
Sorry, wanted to post it yesterday night but something came up so didn't managed to...
Anyway, here's what happened from Monday (14/06/2010) till Wednesday(16/06/2010)

Monday (14/06/2010)
We set off for Port Dickson~ which was so lame because we wanted to go to Melaka but my dad...haiz... Anyway, a veerrrry distant relative of mine passed away the night before so we went to his house to pay his family our condolence to the family...
After that, we went to the WORST APARTMENT EVER (thanks to my dad who is a TOTAL cheapskate for our family) And the day ended with us eating at the a very expensive but not really nice place.... Yeah, bad day... =w=''
Luckily my Gakuen Heaven manga reached me before we went off. XD XD

Tuesday (15/06/2010)
Ate breakfast at the hotel...wasn't that nice (what do you expect from an apartment that doesn't even have forks or spoons for us!) And after that, that afternoon, everyone slept...except me and my forth sister, of course! Managed to finish Vampire Transgression....it's disturbing... and then watched my sister play games~ (probably one of my best hobbies ever~) And...and...I have no idea was else to write...I was a boring day like any other else...

Wednesday (16/06/2010)
Pack up to leave~ (my youngest sister woke up late...again!) And the journey back was more faster than when we were going...but...after I got back home...I started to feel dizzy...really as in I wasn't moving and yet if feels like my mind is...confusing, well, I'll tell you what it is...

DA! DUN!
Woke up this morning with...FEVER! (s0 out of season)
And it isn't even EXAMS! ARGH!!!!!

Plenty...

Yeah, I know... I haven't updated this in a while...told you I can last at a site about a week only... =w=

Anyway, since I didn't update anything in about a week, I'll just briefly say what's currently happening in my life.

Last Thursday (10/6/2010)
I was crazy about Yun Kouga and Earthian...
Earthian is a very sweet and touching manga~ It's absolutely adorable, especially in terms of the relationship between Chihaya and Kagetsuya~ I nearly cried during the trial TT^TT Anyway~
I want to be Chihaya! Anyone want to be my Kagetsuya~ =3

Last Friday (11/6/2010)
I was crazy about Kisaragi Hirotaka and Brother X Brother...
Lam-di-dum-di-dum~
No, it's not incest if that's what's going on in your freaking minds!

Last Saturday (12/6/2010)
I was crazy about Yoshinaga Fumi and her whole loot of manga! The only ones that I have, lolz
Earlier that morning, I read Antique Bakery (couldn't finish all four volumes because it was too long =w= ) By noon I was already reading Ai towa Yoru ni Kizoku Mono (find the English name yourself, I like the Japanese name better) And that night, desperately trying to stay awake, I read Ichigenme wa Yaruki no Minpou~

Last Sunday (13/6/2010)
I was again crazy about Versailles (face it, this craze will never stop >w< ) and Matenrou Opera (neither will this craze =3 ) again. Kamijo's and Sono's voices really captured me again~ And so is Hizaki's awesome-ness guitar playing! XD XD
Well, at least I have something crazy to do despite being stuck in a meeting that me and my youngest sister had to got just because my dad held the Chair position and my mom and other sisters are also members...
(WTF am I talking about...)

This is all for now, I think. Continuation of the events of this week will be told in another post!

-Did I mention that my mood is crappy right now? It is... =w= -

So...saa ne...

Well, this is rather odd... I'm writing here and so far my mood isn't really all that crappy. Heck, it was like yesterday, except that I'm not feeling that bad now...

I think it's great. It means that I can do more things now rather than just sit moping around or crying for no reason. I mean...it was depressing these few days...but now I'm glad that I'm feeling better, even if it is by a tad.

Anyway, Chemistry must have somehow gotten it's way into my sleep because this morning, my sister said that I was actually sleep-talking CHEMISTRY! Of all the 9 subjects that I'm taking for SPM, it HAD to be CHEMISTRY! Well, I think I have the awesome Chem teacher yesterday to thank about that...though I have no idea what I talked about. I think it was about the calculations because my mom said that I've been saying a lot of number...

Maybe it was Add Maths instead...Oh well~
>w<

Hmm...what else to write about...

Oh yeah...I'm in serious desperate shyte of needing money...me and my goddamn characters to cosplay...shouldn't have been to excited about it... >.<

And thus, I have made a decision! To cope with my dying need to cosplay and collecting yaoi related things, I have decided, after next year's cosplay plan ( which I have about 4 now >.<'' ) I will only do Versailles related cosplay, either HIZAKI or TERU, and only ONE anime/manga character which I really wish to do.

THERE!

Now I just hope that my will is strong enough to stick through my decision...

Complicated-ness....

Honestly, the thought of updating this today never really crossed my mind. I can never stay on one thing in the net. Most of my blogs usually get used for about a week an then the very existence of it would have left my absent mind...

I was planning to use this blog as a way to express myself when I'm down in the dumps or just feeling gloomy or stressed out. That's the main reason why I didn't bother to update this site earlier. I wasn't feeling anything like what I described earlier. I felt crazy. Happy even. And the burden on my shoulder felt like it was lifted the moment I went to my seminar.

I should probably thank the seminar's Chemistry teacher for making me feel this way. She's so nice and generous! And probably the coolest Chemistry teacher one could ever know. Sure, we didn't manage to finish what she had already planned for us on that day, but she was really clear about what she was teaching us. And she's really good at giving motivational advices. I mean, at the end of the day, I wasn't stressed at all! It felt good~ Finally after almost a week...

And yet here I am...writing in my blog...while listening and singing my lungs out to Anomie. Actually, even I'm wondering why I'm doing this... I really have no reason to post out my feelings to an open internet space. I could have just wrote all of this in a diary and kept it amongst my yaoi things... and yet... I didn't...

Crap...my chest hurts...

.....

Oh yeah, the reason I'm writing here tonight... despite my hard attempt to keep myself from being stressed and finally having a happy and relaxed day.
Well... most of the feelings that I'm having now comes from me, and even though the way I'm saying it might sound as if the people that I'm talking about are at fault, it's all just mine. So if you by any chance know who that I'm about to mention, please, just remember that it's my fault for feeling like this towards them, because, like all of you that are reading this post, I am but just a human...

I'm just stressed that I feel so jealous of what my friends have... A nice collection of items, a thing that I've wished for since I started drawing, and finally, the ability to be able to look forward without being stuck in the past... something that I haven't been able to do since these regretful feelings stirred inside of me...

It's sad... and depressing...

Introduction....!?

Well...since this is the first post...I guess introductions are in order...

I don't really like to reveal too much of myself, especially online, so what I'm posting here would be the most that you would know about me... >.<

Name : Itsura Yarvessa (yes, it's a fake name~ )
Age : 16 going onto 17
Place of Birth and Residence - Malaysia~
Date of Birth - December 1993

Currently I'm in high school, and getting ready to face one of the biggest examinations of my life! and yet here I am spending my time on the net, lolz.

My dream : I have no idea...maybe having Malaysians accept Visual-Kei and Lolita without saying them weirdos every time they see people wearing cutsews, puffy pannier skirts and long Gothic shirts...well that's considered more of a wish...I guess...

BACK TO TOPIC! I'm really running away from the intro here... =.=''

Interest : Anime, Manga, Yaoi, J-rock ( Versailles, Plastic Tree, Matenrou Opera, SID, D, Vidoll... and more, lolz ), Oshare-kei (Aicle) , Drawing, Animation...Reading....Am going to stop now...it's getting too long...

Occupation : Full time student!
Wishes that are about to be fulfilled : Am going to cosplay! Finally!!!!!!!Now just need to wait till I have enough money for a BJD...

I guess that's all for now...will try to keep my blog updated... >.<''