Life Talk 17

Assalamu'alaikum.

Seven months.  It's been seven months almost precisely to date since I've written anything here. I actually have written some of my thoughts...just not over here. And it has nothing to do with my room mate finding out about this blog. I challenged her to look for it,  and she found it. Case closed. What she thinks about it...well, those are her thoughts, not mine. 

To keep updating about what happened these past months would take a really long time...and post... So I'll keep it to what actually invited me to visit this particular piece of my life again.

Before I forget, Happy Ramadhan for all the Muslims out there. My your Ramadhan be full of blessing this year. ^^

In relation to that...for some reason, today especially, I feel like writing... But the thing is I don't have any idea on what to write for one. Oh, I have tonnes of stories on my to-write list, but those aren't exactly proper for this time of the year. So while I'm scrambling for more ideas in my somewhat mud-addled brain (Look! It's starting to sound like a novel!) suddenly I just feel like my ideas are nothing. I mean, what I'm planning to write would probably be worthless and well... pointless. 

So currently, I'm at a point where my self-esteem if taking a tumble. Just wanted to get that out from my chest.

Well then, adieu~ And till next time. 

Not Life, Just Rant

Assalamu'alaikum.

Okay, firstly, I apologize if I haven't updated in almost over a year but I've been keeping a mental diary again. But this time... this time I definitely need to say something.

*WARNING, harsh words incoming*

FUCKING FUCKING STUPID IDIOTIC..... ARGH!!!!

I just really needed to say that. And hey! Guess what? You wanna know who am I ultimately pissed off at? No, don't guess. It's... ME!

Of course it's me. Who else would as fucking idiotic as I am? It's ridiculous. And the fact that I'm actually mad is ridiculous as well. I mean................................. I'm an idiot and my laptop is suffering because I'm basically crushing....STOMPING! on these alphabets because I'm just so fucking pissed off and annoyed at myself! I can't even...don't even feel like crying because I'm so angry.

And the most ridiculous thing is that it's not even a big thing. It's just something so small and simple and people would probably laugh when I tell them why exactly I'm angry but I just can't help it! And again it goes back to me because I knew there was I reason I didn't want to do it. I just knew but do I listen to myself? NO, I DON'T! I dream and dream and ultimately JUST KEEP DREAMING! And THAT is definitely fine because the moment I do SOMETHING to even make the dream AT LEAST come true, maybe just even a LITTLE, it'll crash and BURN!

So I'm better off to keep dreaming and do nothing about it. I mean, hey, what you don't know won't hurt you later on.

Done. Till next time...I think.

And no, there's no way I'm gonna tell anyone what exactly happened.

Life Talk 16

Assalammu'laikum.

For some odd reason, I've decided to abandon my blog for almost three months... Okay, I didn't REALLY abandon it. I've thought about writing here countless of times. Heck, I've even written a mental diary about what I wanted to write here, but I guess that was the problem. By keeping everything inside my head (and heart), once again... I fell...

Fell, I wonder if that's the right word for what I'm feeling right now?

I think it'd make more sense if I said that once again, I fell into a realm of loneliness. It's annoying, I know, to hear me talk about how lonely I am over and over again but honestly, it didn't feel this bad last week or the weeks before. This week, I feel like I've literally hit rock bottom.

Maybe it started last week. Well, to put the long story short, I was late to class for about 10 minutes because I went for a chiropractic massage and not one person called me to find out why I was late. Okay, it might be petty for some people but for me a simple gesture like this would probably make me utterly grateful because maybe, even though just for a while, I felt like I had a friend I could turn to.

That was probably the turning point of it. The starting was the night before when we had our subject society's bureau meeting. Usually, our meetings would just consist our the president, vice president, secretary and the treasurer. I was comfortable with that as our relationship with each other was purely professional and no one was too close of a friend with another.

As luck would have had it, since a big festival is happening this weekend, we had a pretty big meeting last week. Probably because our bureau is pretty pathetic since we've never done a full meeting with all the other members, we're short on people for the committee. And as humans, we find those closest to us... Well, they did, not me. I was probably the only person there that didn't have any close friends that were present in the meeting. It was pretty obvious since after the meeting I left alone.

Even when I'm writing like this, I know that the only person that could be blamed would be me. I mean, despite everything that had happened in my childhood primary years, I choose to be an otaku myself and basically now I have to pay the price for it. I'm not sure whether it's an otaku thing or whether it's just me but somehow, one way or another, I've become fairly and introvert. I mean, I can talk to people, but like I said, it'll probably be mostly on a professional level.

I always thought that this was because I lack self-confidence but a few weeks ago, after a talk arranged by the university, I think, I believe, (basically it's just my theory) that I have plenty of self-confidence. I mean, if I hadn't, I probably wouldn't be able to talk in front of the mike properly. If I have self-confidence, what's making me timid is the fact that I don't have any confidence in my abilities and who I am as a person.

Does is make sense?

I have confidence, but at the same time I don't.

I guess I could work really well on a professional level but when it becomes personal I immediately shrink back into the background. I think it's just me. I'm not sure how I became that way, or why I did. It just happened. I'm surprised that it took until now to notice how completely unbalanced I am (like my back XP)

Some of my friends surprised me too. One of my friends, whom I could call a close friend based on my level, claims that I'm her best friend. I was shocked, of course since I've never thought of her of anything more than a close friend. For the few days after she told me that, I tried to become closer friends with her (in my level) but it just wouldn't work.

Maybe I'm just too picky or probably ungrateful but for me, if I can't be myself then I can't regard someone as anyone closer than a friend, or a close one. Don't get me wrong, even though I'm complaining here, it doesn't mean that I haven't tried making friends. I have. For almost this whole time since semester started this year, I've been moving from one group to another and from one friend to another. And even then, I can't find a place to fit in.

Like I said, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm too picky, ungrateful and tend to over think too much but for now, I just need a friend here so that at least I feel like I'm needed.

Selfish aren't I?

Jellyfish and Tsubaki (formerly Saki), what are you gonna do with this unbalanced, timid, selfish best friend of yours?

On second thought, don't answer that.

For now, Adieu and Wa'alaikummusallam.

Life Talk 15

Assalamu'laikum~

Well, despite the wavy line beside my welcome, I'm not really as jolly as I most probably sound. In another note, alhamdulillah, the feelings that floated in myself a mere 4 hours ago has started to vanquish but I felt like I still need to write it here. Despite what many people may say, I believe this is a very therapeutic way for me, whom so often keeps everything inside. I don't really like sharing my problems with many people and though I've told the teachers about my family problems, only Saki, Jellyfish and some other creation of Allah SWT that has managed to find this place really know the problems deep inside me.

Even though it's been a while, the feeling that I've thought I managed to rid off came back and it was dreadful. For the first time in months, a sense of worthlessness hung over me. I even thought about suicide again, though I've repented and hope that Allah SWT The Merciful would forgive me of these selfish thoughts.

I have no idea what made them resurfaced but it probably went hand in hand with the way older sister kept getting mad at me and my younger sister went out with her today. I'm not saying that it was fully my fault with in a way it triggered my feeling and memories of how useless and worthless I used to feel about myself.

Insya-Allah, in the days to come, I hope I would never again face with these feelings. Temptation and regret is enough for me but then again, who knows what Allah SWT has in store for me so that I can increase my love to him.

So Bismilla hirrahman ni rahim, please give your servant the ability to go through each test you put her through. Ameeen....


Wa'laikum salam.

Life Talk 14

Assalamu'laikum~

It's been approximately 10 days since I last wrote here. Well, at least it's better than my previous one month and a half break. Honestly, I think I'm kinda getting used to the whole blog idea here but it still might take me a while before I can truly say whatever is on my mind freely here without feeling much constraints... For now, I know that only Saki and Jellyfish have this link but only Allah SWT knows how many people have already found this place.

A lot has been going through my mind these last few days, so much that I feel like writing here is such a drag..

For one, I've been getting my weird dreams again lately, the most recent was this morning. And they weren't just weird, they has a sense of deja vu inside them as well. It's like, I has the dream a while back and somehow, in my dream, it remembered that I had the same dream in real life. Confusing, right? Believe me, I'm trying to figure what I'm writing right now.

Anyway, I'm actually sidetracking from what I really wanted to write.

A few weeks back, on the day of the Eid Adha Celebration, as usual, we Muslims visit our relatives to chat, eat and so forth. While talking to one of my aunt, she asked me about my dream. Yes, a dream so distant that honestly, I forgot about it until she talked to me. She might not have known but the question she asked really made a huge impact on me that day and it continuously got me thinking.

Since I was young, I've been interested in the animation world, specifically drawing. Even now I'm not really sure what influenced me or what kept me drawing but at one point in my life, I felt truly happy with what I have, even though it wasn't much. Back then, around 3-4 years back, I barely have the manga collection that I have now and could only dream of having a single from Arashi (I liked them then) but in a way, I was grateful and satisfied with my life because I would always turn to drawing when something went wrong. Sure there were many setbacks like the fact that I didn't draw that nice brought nasty comments and the fact that my mother wanted me to stop drawing because she thinks it's going to distract me. She's thinking for my future and as her daughter, I'm not mad at her for that.

To continue, the year when I felt drawing to the fullest was when I was in Form 2. My drawing were still improving then but even though they didn't look half as nice as they are now, the fact is that I managed to fill in 2 files, a few sketchbooks and even made a manga didn't change that. I loved drawing. I had a passion for it even though my future looked bleak with it. I didn't care about what happened afters. I just wanted to draw.

That would probably be one of the happiest times in my life. As I said, my future in drawing or as a graphic designer for that matter, looked bleak and it wasn't long before it fell into a downward spiral which started not long after I entered Form 4. Even though we had electives, what I took wasn't what I wanted, but the decision wasn't in my hands. Taking the arts elective wasn't even in my option and even though we could take one extra subject for our SPM, Art was never a choice. I didn't know it but by then, drawing became sort of a duty. I would feel the rush of drawing once in a while, especially at the start of the year but they slowly started to kindle as I got busier trying to catch up with Add Maths, Physics and especially Biology.

Now, since my aunt asked me about whether I wanted to take a degree in arts, I had been thinking a lot. I drew some since she asked me but the flame only lasted for a while and in a mere short two weeks, they were everything but aflame. It was then when I realised that my passion for drawing has been the flame, or at least, the candle holding the flame. Drawing was a hobby of mine when I was younger but as life and reality caught up, it soon became a duty whereas I would have to finish a specific number of drawing per week or finish a sketchbook by the end of the year. Soon after, drawing became something I did whenever I felt like it but unlike before, those feeling are rare now and I don't know what I can do to resurface them again.

I liked drawing then, and I still like drawing now. But something in me disappeared and since then, I couldn't pick up a pencil and draw freely like I used to. I don't know what went missing and I'm not sure whether if that was a sign for me to continue drawing or not. At this point, only Allah SWT knows what's best for me, even though it might not be what I like.

Well, I want to write more but it'll be a long post by then so I'll just stop for now.

May you have a good day and wa'alaikumsalam.

Life Talk 13

Assalamu'alaikum~

Hey, look at that, it's number 13! Proves just how lazy I am since I haven't wrote anything here in over a week.

Anyway, will keep this one short because my sister's borrowing my laptop at the moment and I don't want her finding out that I keep a blog, since she'll probably read my entries later... =w=

Well, these few weeks I've been really...anxious... I don't really know because of what or why but I can't seem to calm down, not even now. It's tiring and I'm scared that a slight shock will cause my heart to go on overdrive since apparently my heart isn't ready for anything.

I really don't know why I feel this way, or how I managed to get anxiety issues in the first place but it is really worrying me. I can barely do anything now without feeling the slight pain in my chest.

I'm really worried.

And I long for the days when my heart used to beat normally without feeling afraid or anxious. I hope I can find my answer soon, insya-Allah.

For now, wassalam.

Will update about what happened this past month later....if I feel like it anyway. XP

Life Talk 12

As'salam.

If it were a few hours ago, I wouldn't have started this post with "As'salam" but with something else instead...

Something like this...

-

You know how there's one things that people always feared that would happened to them? Fears that would later lead to 'issues'? Well, one of my biggest fears happened less than 12 hours ago...

I was left behind.

No, not by my family but by the group of girls that are my classmates in UIA. Well, long story short, we were supposed to go visit our Physics lecturer today around before Asr prayers. Since I don't really have any close friends there or keep close contact with them, I messaged a few of them to remind me when they were going.

Pa-ta-pa-ta

The Asr prayer time was already in and I heard no news from them. So when I messaged one of them, another one of my closer-but-no-so-really friend called me and said the group from my dorm had already left earlier and the group from the other girls dorm were still at Midvalley. They said they'd wait for me to ride the bus and meet them there but here's the other news- I don't know how to ride a bus. I keep asking people to teach me but they said that since I was going in a group, there wouldn't be much problem. Big surprise huh?

So what happened afters? They went off without me and I bawled in my room. Alone. Loud.

Needless to say, I called my mom, cried to her and despite the fact that I didn't want to go back home this week, I did.

I'm not mad. Really, I'm not since it's as much as my fault as it is theirs but I'm just really, really sad. Since that happened, I kept thinking,

'Ohana means family. Family means that no one gets left behind...or forgotten...'

So much for the name G41 Family.

Again, I'm not mad. Things happen out of our plans as everything is in the hands of Allah SWT but I'm still sad.

So now you know... I have abandonment issue.

Wa'salam and good night. ^^